10 May 2011
11 Down: "Disquietude."
Alec's pen hovered over the newsprint. The clock thrummed, the fire crackled, the pale sunlight whispered in through the linen drapes and the knocking continued. It was the last day of his vacation. His wife was on one of her legendary shopping sprees, the car was gleaming in the drive and his favourite cinnamon coffee was percolating in the pot. A procession of door to door salesmen, religious zealots and petitioning politicians marched through his moment of solitude. He placed his paper on the floor and slowly stretched into standing, his head and shoulders entering the coolness of shadow.
Alec squinted through the peephole in his solid oak front door. He would not even have gotten out of his chair if the knocking had not been irritatingly persistent. At first, all he saw through the fish eye were the blank faces of the houses across the street and the lack of any traffic either on foot or on the road. No one. His blood pressure dropped a notch or two. He was just about to shuffle back to his La-Z-Boy, when his eye was drawn downwards. His whole body went rigid for a second before slackening into its usual, slightly hunched posture. What he had in the first instant taken for the smooth, round face of a child, he now realized was a man of extremely diminutive stature. He stepped back suddenly as though to avoid being seen, then chided himself and returned to his comfort zone. The soft cushions remembered his girth with a gentle sigh and he was soothed once more by the rustle of his newspaper and the homely chuckle of the fire. Back in a state of blissful disregard, he returned to his puzzle. He mulled over 4 Down for a moment before realising he had already filled in the solution, then let his eyes drift to 9 Across: "Curious freak show."
A discordant twang struck through his domestic symphony and he looked up at the front door, feeling a pair of beady eyes burning through to him at about waist height. As if on cue the regular rapping began again. Alec squirmed uncomfortably. Why on earth would a midget be knocking on his door? Why, for that matter, would a midget be wandering around here at all? Those types were really not encouraged in this neighbourhood. 12 Down: "Tell Tale Heart author." The low, steady knocking continued relentlessly. Alec's brow dampened then he realised it was the sound of his own heart's yammering tale. All else was silent again. Determined to put the micro-man from his mind, Alec focused on his crossword, his breathing slowed again and his eyes grew a little heavy. 24 Down; "Smaller than average."
The knocking had become a pounding and Alec wondered how such a small fellow could possible make so much noise with his tiny fist. He jumped from his seat; his jowls momentarily defied gravity then resumed their usual position. His paper fluttered aimlessly to the floor. His pen remained clutched tightly in his hand where it began to leech a black stain across his damp palm. Just to allay his paranoid suspicions, just to prove to himself he was being foolish, he decided to take one last look. He had no idea why he should suddenly be so unsettled, but then he reminded himself that it was not everyday that one encounters a midget in the middle of a respectable, suburban neighbourhood.
Slowly, he pressed his eye to the peep-hole, a half-smile of presumptive satisfaction already stretching across his expansive face. It never made full beam. The tiny man was, after all, standing right where Alec had left him. This time he offered Alec a wave of his stubby fingers. Alec blinked. The midget blinked back then made a small fist and knocked on the door once more. Alec decided it was time to rid himself of this minor annoyance once and for all by brushing away the intruder's request for donations or pitch for subscriptions or whatever he might be peddling. He had the irrational fear that if he did not discourage him, the midget might never leave his doorstep, and then what would the neighbors think? Alec released the deadbolt and opened the door half-way with the intention of brushing off the diminutive creature in an instant.
"Ah, there you are. Mr. Alec Blockowski?"
Taken aback by the mention of his name, Alec could only jiggle his head with mortified discomfort. "Good, good. I am Peterburn, Dominic Peterburn." The midget raised a hand and Alec's hand reached out as if by its own accord, swallowed the proffered hand and pumped it twice.
"How can I erm...is there something..?"
Alec floundered like a whale in a shallow cove, unable to find his way to more comfortable waters.
"Mr. Alec Blockowski today is your lucky day. I am here to make you an offer that will change the rest of your life."
A sudden vision of leprechauns and distant rainbows moved through the fatty tissue of Alec's imagination.
"I won’t keep you from your newspaper long Mr. Blockowski. May I call you Alec? No? Not a problem. I have something to tell you that I know you will be most anxious to hear and that will leave you with the rare and certain comfort that you will never need worry again, about what the future may hold."
At this point Alec's brain reminded him that all he had to do was close the door. But before the message reached his arm, the tiny man had slipped beneath it and was standing by the fire warming his legs.
"Oh, do please sit back down." Peterburn shifted the newspaper from the floor to the coffee table with a sleight of hand motion. "I don’t mean to intrude, and as I said, I won’t take up much of your time. I know you are keen to resume enjoying the last day of your vacation."
In stunned silence, Alec closed the door and stared slack-jawed at the creature, trying to make sense of the situation. He glanced over at his La-Z-Boy, half expecting to see himself still sitting there, sunk in the depths of slumber. The diminutive man was non-descript apart from his size. His hairless face protruded from a stub of neck which disappeared into a woollen scarf, tucked into a dark overcoat. His black pants were worn slightly shiny at the knees and his generic shoes where a little down-at-heel. Alec sat shakily in his La-Z-Boy and waited for Peterburn to proceed so that he could find out just what the man knew about him and assess how expediently he could put him back through the door. "You're wondering what has brought me here today Mr. Blockowski. You are most certainly wondering how I come to know your name, your circumstances." Peterburn paced the floor, prodding the air with a stump of a finger. Alec wondered exactly what circumstances he was referring too and avoided looking at the finger.
"As I said, I am Dominic Peterburn and this…" he flourished a business card with a now familiar sleight of hand, "this is my game."
Alec took the card, which seemed diminished in his own hand. He squinted at it for a moment then rose from his seat.
"Mr. Peterburn, I appreciate your visit, but I'm afraid I do not require your services. You see, I already have ample life insurance."
Peterburn coughed gently into his fist and raised an eyebrow at the card. Alec glanced down once more and read the words over.
Dominic Peterburn Esq.
Senior agent Phoenix & Phoenix
Purveyors of after-life insurance
Providing quality service for over a century
Alec suddenly dropped back into his chair, sending the foot rest shooting out beneath him. He sat, clutching the card like a man going over a precipice after running out of solid ground.
"After-life insurance. A gag surely?" Alec pulled a silent lever and lowered his feet back to earth.
"On the contrary Mr. Blockowski, our company is quite legitimate, and in fact, the only service of its kind. We are proud to be able to take care of all your possible future needs. We have three different plans; all very reasonable. The first is our economy plan, for those clients who…" he lowered his voice slightly, "are economically challenged, shall we say." Peterburn cast a look around the comfortable sitting room. "I need not waste time discussing that plan with such a distinguished client as yourself Mr. Blockowski."
Alec blushed in spite of himself and waited to hear more.
"The Sterling package is the most popular sir and provides a superior service for a very reasonable rate. Then there is the Excelsior plan which is our superlative service and is guaranteed not to disappoint. Now this of course, comes with a higher premium but Excelsior patrons can enjoy the rest of their years in this life assured that they will have their every need met in the hereafter." P
eterburn paused for a moment and examined his fingernails, which did not take long. He then regarded Alec with an air of expectancy.
"Tell me about the Excelsior plan."
"Ah Mr. Blockowski, I was correct in my assessment of your most discerning, epicurean tastes."
Alec nodded solemnly and hunkered down into his chins.
"Well sir, everything about the Excelsior plan package is superlative from the opulent accommodation to the services provided therein. Imagine if you will residing in a most palatial residence in the location of your choice. And choice is emphasized here Mr. Blockowski, the only limit to your Excelsior afterlife is your imagination, and if you feel that is limiting, we can even provide some inspiration. Your every desire will be catered for, from the food laid on your table to the company you choose to keep." Peterburn winked at Alec before continuing. Your every desire will be met instantly, all in the time it takes you to request it. "
Peterburn stopped to check his nails again and at this point Alec had stopped noticing how small he was. Instead, he was caught up in a vision of himself seated in the plushest of seats while an endless row of servants attended him with gourmet delights while an orchestra played strains of Tchaikovsky, and a gentle sea breeze blew in through an open window.
"And this, of course, is only scratching the surface of the Excelsior plan Mr. Blockowski. You will, in the afterlife, be provided with a completely rejuvenated body, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the one you reside in here and now, if you get my drift."
Peterburn beamed suddenly as though he had just thought of this idea himself and Alec added a few modifications to his afterlife vision. He re-emerged into reality with some difficulty.
"What are the terms of the Excelsior plan?" "Now, Mr. Blockowski, you must appreciate that the Excelsior service, being our most opulent provision does come at quite a high down payment and subsequent instalments are, well shall we say, commensurate. But it just so happens, that for a very limited time..." a quick glance at his wrist watch, "we are offering a special discount to Excelsior clients."
"Yes, yes, I understand." Alec's tongue darter over dry lips. "The terms?"
"Well Mr. Blockowski, for your very own, personalized Excelsior service, the down payment would be your wife."
Alec stared at the man-in-miniature as though his head would open to release a cuckoo.
"My wife? What exactly do you mean, my wife?"
"It's quite simple Mr. Blockowski, you give us your wife as down payment." "
How exactly do you mean…give her to you?"
"Oh don’t worry sir, she will be taken good care of in the afterlife, albeit on the economy plan, of course."
Alec's afterlife vision slowly dispersed into the ether and his heart sank into his sagging La-Z-Boy. He and Amy had been married for thirty years and thought the flames of passion had long turned to ash, they still had a strong fondness for each other. Alec was shocked to the core at the very thought of 'giving' her to anyone.
"There surely must be some other…arrangement..."
Peterburn shook his head. "I'm afraid that the terms are non-negotiable sir."
"Okay," Alec swallowed a lump of disappointment. "Tell me about the Sterling plan."
"Mr. Blockowski you can regard the Sterling plan as a lighter version of the Excelsior, if you will. Though the accommodation is not as opulent, it more than exceeds the comfort of your current status. You will receive full catering and domestic services as well as extended vacations to a destination of your choice three times each year. Your current body will also be completely rejuvenated and we will reserve a place for the loved one of your choice."
Alec modified his afterlife vision and despite its initial shortcomings, he felt more comfortable knowing that Amy would be by his side. He took a deep breath before asking.
"Ah yes, the terms. The down payment for your very own, personal Sterling program would be your promotion."
Alec swallowed. He was due for promotion next month to curator of the museum; a promotion he had worked towards, largely without recompense for twenty years. But, he rationalized, with the prospect of a guaranteed afterlife of luxury, surely he could continue in this life as a lowly museum assistant without too much concern.
"And the subsequent payments?"
"After the down payment you are merely required to relinquish your retirement holiday in Bermuda and the final five years of your life." "That's it?" Alec waited, blinking as though he expected a catch.
"Those are the terms of the agreement Mr. Blockowski." Peterburn materialised a pen and a document and without further hesitation, Alec signed.
***********
During the following years, when Alec found himself despondent about the young graduate who was promoted to curator, he would go and sit for an hour in the back of the storage room and close his eyes. For a whole sixty minutes he would allow himself to indulge in decadent fantasies of his future in the hereafter. Never a word was mentioned to Amy for fear she would chide him for his foolishness. Instead, he kept the contract tucked away in his work locker and would occasionally run his fleshy fingers over its silken bond.
Three years to the day that Alec became a Sterling client of Phoenix & Phoenix, he was driving to work when his car was crushed by a jack-knifed tractor trailer. His life was snuffed out in an instant. After wandering for an indiscernible length of time through a chill and dampening mist, Alec stumbled upon the familiar figure of Dominic Peterburn. Peterburn tucked his clipboard neatly under his arm, and led Alec into the sunshine. Alec’s spirits brightened at once to see the man and he followed him down a winding road which soon became flanked by familiar looking houses.
"Ah, so this is the part where you give me a last glimpse of my past life eh Peterburn? Nice touch."
"Well Mr. Blockowski, here's the thing, you actually were not due to join us for another two years, so in effect you have nullified the terms our agreement as explained when you signed up for the Stirling plan."
"Then why am I here now, if I wasn't supposed to die for two more years?" Alec demanded, his jowls shaking furiously.
"One moment sir." Peterburn flipped over a few pages on his clipboard. "Ah yes, I see, I see." He replaced the clipboard under his arm and handed Alec the keys to the house that looked exactly like his home in the land of the living.
"I'm afraid sir, that Mrs. Blockowski signed up for the Excelsior plan just this morning." Ends… Corinna Underwood
You must log in to add a comment and rate this story.